This post was written the other day and was private. Im making it public… I’m too lazy to go change the time references.
Processing a loss sucks. There is no way around it. No short cuts but right through the middle of it. And I do not like it.
Our neighbors — and Emma’s best friend – left for CA last night. We live in this spectacular neighborhood. Everyone knows everyone else, we socialize and it’s full of kids. These neighbors were sort of the metallic thread in the unique fabric of our neighborhood. I was good friends with the mom but truth is, I thought this leaving would be much harder on her then it was on me. But – surprise — I have been really upset today. It shocks me when I realize I care about people more then I realized.
Last night I spent the evening over there having a good bye party and helping them finish up cleaning and packing. The whole neighborhood was there. When it came time to say goodbye, it was horrible. We were all crying and it was just… hard. Emma was so overwrought, she could not catch her breath. She cried for HOURS – and we didn’t get home till 10pm. I felt so bad for her. The crying was the hard kind where you can’t catch your breath sobbing. Pain just oozing out of her in waves. I have to say… that seeing my child in that much emotional pain was about one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in a long time. I just felt so helpless. And I really made myself “be there” for her like I wish my mom was for me… Going against the whole way I deal with pain which is to just detach and withdrawl. I was aware that I wasn’t even being as vulnerable as I wanted to be… but I was at least very supportive and was a good listener. She said she appreciated it. But how do you know when you’ve done this “right?” I kept thinking – this is when people remember what kind of person you are. Can you be there for them even when it’s difficult?
The other house for sale on our street had the potential buyers come by yesterday and we got a chance to speak with them. They at least have three kids… and seem nice. They are from Canada and I hear from my friend that they are going to present an offer this afternoon. More loss. But at least they aren’t moving far away.
School is done! Yesterday was the last day. Im so freaking tired. I can’t even put into words how happy I am to be facing a long “easy” summer. I am so “amped up” still — I am not sleeping well. I figure by tomorrow I should feel a little more “decompressed”. I guess I need to allow myself to feel sadness — that’s what is amping me.
My friend came over this morning and we taked. She asked me to go for a run with her this afternoon. I was planning on it, but truth is — I simply don’t feel up to it. I think Im going to bag out.
I had my doctor appointment yesterday. She agrees the flank pain was a kidney stone. Especially after I explained how it felt and how it kept moving lower. I haven’t had any more pain in the last two weeks. (big pain after a run and then it went away — I think I passed a small stone). Anyway… she’s running tests. The fatigue she thinks could be my thyroid. My TSH is a borderline “high”. I don’t think that is the reason for this fatigue… but ok. She’s testing some sort of antibodies. I am cold all the freaking time… so who knows. And maybe as a bonus I would lose weight. I did like her. So at least now I have an internist GP. She’s also sending me for an Endocrinology consult.
You will find this funny… I told her I felt so fatigued — I can barely see straight. I have no motivation to do the things I need to do. So she is asking me about what I do. My exercise schedule, what I do in my free time, working, parenting, etc. At the end of the appointment she said to me “have you ever considered that your fatigue might be that you are doing too much?” Uh. Wow. Not really. LOL
I do think there is a certain factor here about what I “expect” is normal. I have never been a normal sized person who exercises or trains…. so I think I am abnormal to feel this tired. Perhaps… I am normal and I just don’t know it.
Our older dog is at the vet right now. I am going to need haul over and go get her after five. Yay… right during rush hour. How nice of them to time for us. Apparently she’s got something going on with her bloodwork. She was there for a teeth cleaning. So this is always happy news you love to hear. We wont know anything for a few days. Our other dog has done well at the dog shows. He won another show that was supposed to be a “major” and the major broke because someone pulled their dog.
If I wasn’t so exhausted — I would be organizing – but nothing makes me feel better then organizing and making everything orderly when I feel out of control. But I think instead I’ll go take a nap.
